Autobiography Post-1 :: The Leap!!!!

Excuse me sir, would you take your soup now or later? asked the 3 tier AC attendant in Rajdhani Express. yeah the service in Rajdhani express was good... And trust me when i say good.. it was awesome.. Well it was 2004 and  i had just appeared for my class 10th board exams. Lying on the top berth in the 3 tier AC compartment en route to new Delhi i was scribbling in my diary. Well i called it my "Personal Diary" and i actually had a disclaimer in the first page citing my ownership and questioning the sense of rectitude of whoever opens it other than me. Though i did not write regularly but i always had these weird ideas of the  series of events that will take place in case i die. Well irony is that i still have those notions at times. I always thought that if i die then i guess someone will for sure go through this diary at some point and they will actually come to know what kind of person i really am. And may be they can tell others how important they were to my life. I know its too weird!!
My father had decided that i will be attending a boarding school in Pilani , Rajasthan for 2 years. The biggest incentive was that if u happen to be in the top 10 students among the three schools run by Birla Education Trust in Pilani after the 12th boards, then you can get directly into the MSc Integrated course at BITS, Pilani, one of the finest private technical colleges of India. Being from a middle class background, my father also knew that it will cost him a fortune to get me into one of the finest boarding schools of India. But i was good at studies and for sure my Dad or Baba as i call him had high hopes for me. We lived in Cuttack, the old capital of Odisha, back then it was called Orissa.... Baba is a banker in State Bank Of India and my Mama is a primary school teacher at Kendriya Vidyalaya. My father's native place was a small village named Arei in the Kendrapada district of Odisha. We were a farmers family back then. I remember my Baba saying that he used to cycle a long way to get to the college and back. We had a relatively large joint family in the village. My grandfather and both of his younger brothers and their family were living together. Coming from such a background and being a banker, and having a house at Cuttack was really a very big deal. Whenever me and my brother used to got to my village during the summer vacation for some days, i always could felt that everyone kind of respected my father very much. At the time when his contemporaries were still looking after the farm or wasting their time, he was the one who had the guts to move out of that village, get a job and make it big in the city. And along with that as my Baba says, the most prized catch was my Mama :P , a person who was entirely brought up in cuttack, had a MA in History in the biggest university of Odisha and had a job. But it was not a love story... :P

Well i will certainly write the story of my Mama and Baba at one point... but now is not the time. So lying on that top berth of Rajdhani express, i was going through a completely different thought process. I was 14 , but it was not the pressure of being alone and taking care of myself in a boarding  school. It was my decision to study away from home. And yeah i was quite surprised when Baba actually supported my decision, rather he was quite excited. I guess he was happy as i was quite serious about my career. But was i?  Why did i make that decision? I was good at studies and extra curricular activities, i was popular, i had friends... close friends and we always used to think about the college life together. But then why i did i took that decision of going about 2000 kms away from home and starting everything all over again? Why did i take such a leap? Was it worth it??

A Million Dollar Smile

There she was across the library table
giggling behind her laptop screen.
having my focus shaken a bit though,
i avoided making any scene.

she stopped making any sound,
i went back to my algorithmic ordeal.
i could still feel the table tremble a bit ,
coz of the laughter she was trying to conceal.

out came a momentary cackle,
and i flinched.
i could see people staring at her
and lots of them having their faces squinched

in the midst of a jam packed library
she started swaying on pure spunk
crooning to something pretty foot tapping
well i guess it was uptown funk

Her impetuous actions
were cause of my distractions
her untoward essence
were testing my patience

i was irked, i was vexed
but was more anxious to be true
As me and her Hazel eyes all these times
were playing peekaboo

i leaned to take a peek
i resisted but still i smiled
her eyes were glistening
as she leaned to the opposite side

Thats it i said to myself
i cant deal with this enigma
i have to see her face
it was hard to resist the unseen charisma.

gathering my stuff i stood up
planning to catch a glimpse while walking past her
i could see her getting cautious
as if its an agony which is gonna outlast her..

she buried her face as i started walking
peeking through the corners of her folded arms
same hazel eyes and a curly coiffure
fascinated i was with her uncanny charms

walking away i heard a "hey" after a few strides
she was calling me from across the aisle
i din stop, i din turn back.. coz till today for me she is
the same hazel eyes and a million dollar smile....

© Biplab Patra and biplab7777.blogspot.com, 2019. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Biplab Patra and biplab7777.blogspot.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

STUCK IN LOVE!!!!!

People either live in realities or illusions. Realities are tough, they hurt... So at times its soothing to stay in the comforts of illusions. Illusions are great, in fact they can transcend boundaries of practicality, reasoning and facts. Even after loosing something or someone we stay there hanging on to the belay of hope. Living under the illusion of a happy ending. That's how we have been brought up. That's how most of the movies, the so called mirrors of the society are like. A happy ending... Each one craves for it... each one tries hard to survive under the illusion rather than accepting the reality at times. So we wait there , we wait to relive those magical moments, we wait to stop reminiscing about the past and gather new memories to reminisce about in future, we wait for that one moment, that one person..... You may think that what kind of a person avoid realities and embrace illusions. A coward ??? Well i think you are wrong if you are taking facing situations as a balance for measuring courage. It may sound strange, but i believe the person striving under illusion is more courageous. It needs courage to wait, it needs courage to hang in there, it needs courage to let go realities, facts and to hope under the umbrella of illusions, it needs courage to listen to your heart and ignore what your brain tells you to do. I agree there are casualties, most of the times it leads to nothing, it chokes you, strangles you, sucks the very last drop of blood out of you. But there is a thrill in  that wait, a happiness in that hope, a pleasure in that pain. You die each day and like a phoenix get resurrected again to die again. There is an inexplicable pleasure and satisfaction in the wait for a perfect happy ending. I have seen the old man laying a lily every Sunday on his wife's grave and kissing her goodbye. He spends some time near her grave and says "take care munchkin" before leaving. He knows she is dead. He knows she can't feel that lily. He knows she can't hear his words. But still he puts the lily, kisses her grave and bids her goodbye. Its not reality which makes him do that. Its the illusion. The illusion that somewhere she's watching over him, waiting for his flowers and his company every Sunday. Illusions give you strength, at times your moxie , your belief, reason to keep going, reason to live. I believe in illusion as its far harder to kill a phantom than reality.     

I Believe..............

Hold your horses as i am going to ask you a hell lot of questions. It amuses me at times to think what it takes to believe in something or someone. How come the belief becomes stronger or weaker? What is not believing?
Does belief rely on facts or feelings? Does one believe from his head or heart? Does belief come naturally or it's guided by influence?
Oh yeah you must be thinking why am i rambling about these stupid things? Some of these may not even make any sense to you till yet. But yet again how do u believe it's not going to in the following lines to come?
People believe in things which they can see, they can smell, they can touch. You believe in food as you can see it, you can touch it, you can smell it. You believe in existence of life as you can see living beings. But what about things that are intangible. Do they exist? I get this argument umpteen amount of time that "Dude!!(Believe me it always starts like this) its there coz i can feel it". Feel!!!! how can you believe in the very verb you use to describe a thing you believe in. I have seen tears , i have heard laughter but what is a FEELING??? Why can't you simply call them hormones? Why and how can we believe in a feeling? Love , hate , Anger , Surprise are the various manifestations of feelings. I agree, even i BELIEVE in these..... but how can someone prove a belief and disbelief.
I won't say i am religious but i have my beliefs. I think yes someone is there who pushes me during my tough times. it may be me , my inner self. But i haven't ever met my inner self.
Many of my friends advocate Atheism. Oxford says an Atheist is "a person who disbelieves or lacks belief in the existence of God or gods" .Its hard to believe a statement which in itself is a disbelief. Its tough for me to understand coz not believing in a belief what others believe is hard for me to believe. 
Do you remember how did you start in believing in these things? Was it natural, or you started believing in somebody's belief? Was it gradual or was it sudden? Is it a hormone in your brain? Is this lack of belief(hormone in the head) the sign of you being healthy or sick?Do you believe you are healthy? What makes you believe that?
I agree those were a lot of questions on your beliefs? But i think rather than believe we should use agree. Its always about agreeing and not agreeing. With things like feelings we have to start using agree or disagree. The things which i agree to, u may disagree. It may be a useless and meaningful post to many of you. But i agree to disagree with you because i agree that "Believing in a belief comes from a belief in the believing of beliefs".   

THE GOODBYE!!!

Her eyes were moist,
her throat a bit chocked,
Somewhere behind the smile,
controlling her emotions she sobbed

I could see she was happy,
I could see she was proud,
But still i could feel her heart throbbing hard,
among the deafening crowd

She smiled, she hugged,
she kissed my forehead,
The touch i must say,
was like an elixir to the dead

Staying awake she would take care,
all through the countless nights till the sun has shone,
Until one day she realized,
now her cub can hunt alone

She never wanted to let go,
She never wanted to loose,
I am her creation,
I am, yes, I am her muse

She waived each time I looked back at her,
through the glass doors i could see her smile would reappear,
She waived until I could no longer see her,
And she could see me disappear

She called on my phone right away,
and asked did u check-in,
I could feel her moist eyes,
I could feel her eyes dripping

She asked me to take care,
I told her she can go,
I had never felt her boisterous voice,
sounding so low

I stopped and took some steps back to see her silhouette receding,
Now it was my turn to sulk,my turn to cry rather,
After all In whole of this world, she is my one and only Mother.

--- 11 hour layover can give enough time to i think

© Biplab Patra and biplab7777.blogspot.com, 2019. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Biplab Patra and biplab7777.blogspot.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. smile emoticon

THE COMEBACK AGAIN!!!!

Yeah i had completely forgotten that my blog existed.... It has been almost three years since i last posted anything in this blog... not that i was a regular blogger but yeah i wrote ... i still write but i don't post it anymore... You can find its and bits of small passages, incomplete poems and  text files with a powerful heading but completely empty in my laptop.
Life has changed much in these years.... Yeah i bet its "the cliched" line you must be expecting from a post titled "The Comeback again"... But yeah life has changed... Both for good and bad...
Well they say the biggest lesson you will ever learn is called "LIFE" and indeed it is true. Lessons learnt, pangs of joy and regret felt, been through sessions of both uncontrollable laughter and tears, changed and re-changed beliefs, some strangers turned into friends and some near ones into complete strangers, faced failures, had some success. Well out-an-out "A Hell Of A Ride" it has been.

It's going to be two years in June since i have come to US for my masters. Life is different up here. Being a student you work hard, u party harder and it goes on. You have to take care of your rent, your food, your bills, your part time job, your academics, your apartment(trust me a bachelor's apartment is a thing to care about) and your relationships. Its indeed tough, tougher than living in India and studying. But it has got its own charm. You find it difficult in the beginning but eventually you kind of gel into it. You live coz you have to survive.
People are very nice up here. Even the complete strangers smile at you while you are walking on your way. I used to think may be life for them has always been like that. Life full of "Smiles". But slowly i realized they smile coz they are happy about whatever the slightest little thing they have. They cherish each and everything which give happiness. It may be the silliest of things like finding a curly fry among standard french fries. And i realized that this is what life should be about. Life is all about leaving all the regrets behind,  how big they may be and start accepting and appreciating the small joys in life. Like the little drops make an ocean..., the small joys make a life. Slowly i have started to feel that too. I smile... yeah i smile a lot now a days... I have lost many things in these two years... But i have gained too. If i have lost friends, i have gained friends... If i have lost trust , i have gained trust too..., If i have lost belief, i have gained belief too.....  Each of the experiences have made me wiser and stronger. I have learnt to appreciate things... be it a scenic beauty, be it a warm weather in the spring, be it a kitten in the backyard, be it a smiling girl in the library.... I have learnt to be happy.
And i do believe that's the way all should be(not that i am judging anyone).

In retrospect i have loads of things to tell and share. But i think i should stop here for now.. Hoping to post again.... Adios!!